↶ go home?
also known as our blog/web diary. catered for adult audiences; nothing explicitly nsfw will be here but we're not censoring ourselves either
Author: kyle, bug, etc.; blurry as hell apollo cheese
Date: 09/17/25
Time: 12:29 AM
Mood: relaxed, intoxicated woops
just got home from drinking with a bunch of furries we didn't know; what a fun time! one of them said something unexpected, something that made euphoria shoot through our entire nervous system: "you give like, elven vibes!"
this threw us completely off guard while also making us incredibly giddy. now, we aren't an elf in any way, but the fact somebody saw us for the first time and immediately recognized there was something nonhuman about us... that was simply magical. there's a great difficulty in finding another word to describe it.
this is only slightly related i suppose, but we've been considering a LoZ:TP Link 'type of some kind for the past couple days. we couldn't help but think of it when this person called us elven; we don't identify with that label at all, but we see the similarities. the pointy ears, the air of magic around each species, the mythical lore of each as well; it makes sense we thought of Link when given this compliment.
our Link feels more like a Kokiri, despite Kokiri Forest not appearing in Twilight Princess. there's also some other small canon divergent things in our "memory" (one of the main reasons we're unsure of the specific 'type is our memories. kardiatype feels closest, but Link could also be a developing alter. we're still figuring it out): we remember having some pretty gnarly top surgery scars before the events of Twilight Princess, and we remember Princess Zelda giving us the Master Sword instead of getting it through a dungeon. so far though, that's all we can really remember that's different enough that it's worth noting.
we've had exomemories before due to our plurality due to introjects & even nonhuman members with no source having them, but this feels... very different. not entirely different, but very much so. it's hard to put to words, really. i guess that's the alcohol.
well, it's late & we've been rambling for some time now. it's bed time. stay hydrated & get good sleep, you deserve it.
Author: Bug, mostly. We're having a blurry morning.
Date: 09/09/25
Time: 11:48 AM
Mood: Refreshed. Depressed but still here, which is something to be proud of.
We've been having a lot of system changes lately. For one, I, Bug, exist now. I'm not sure for how long, but it's been really hard getting used to this reality. I'm a dragon, and I'm learning about this world's beliefs in past lives & spirituality; I know most of the people I inhabit this brain with are atheists, but a lot of this spiritual stuff has been ringing true for me. I know one of the main "fronters", Khlo, is pagan, so there's no worries in us getting into needless arguments over spiritual differences. It's just... odd, being this way, I guess. Not bad, but... new. Foreign.
Anyway, onto the actual purpose of this blog entry.
We have been noticing, along with the major shifts happening in our system (front rotation, multiple dormancies, etc.), our depression has gotten worse. Our therapist agrees that our dissociation & depression go hand-in-hand; that is to say, if one increases, the other is guaranteed to as well. So, due to our brain essentially giving us an overhaul, we've been feeling... less than deserving of good things, I guess.
Something else we've noticed on this go around at a depressive episode is how it's interacting with our respective species. I'm a dragon, and most of my depressive thoughts are about species dysphoria. I hate the fact I was spawned in this human body. I should be nicer to the body, as none of us asked to be born this way, so it isn't any of our faults. However, that (albeit nice) thought doesn't make the dysphoria any better. My skin is too tight, my true form begging to burst out at any moment. I am hundreds of pounds larger than this small thing. I am extremely long, can fly, have a mixture of scales & soft fur, sharp claws... the list of incontinuities goes on. I know I'm not the only one in the system this impacts, either. The previously mentioned Khlo is a fox therian, and while I can't fully speak for xem, we share a brain & body, so I have a vague idea of how xe feel about this.
Interestingly, xeir species dysphoria is barely impacted right now. In fact, xe usually shapeshift into a human when under large amounts of stress, but that hasn't been the case lately. As I'm writing this, I wonder how I have access to this information. Oh well. Nobody ever said systemhood made any sense. In general, Khlo has been feeling... well, depressed. I won't get into too much detail, as the world wide web doesn't need to know every single detail about the inner workings of our brain (especially when we're feeling more vulnerable), but it's interesting to me how each facet of 1 brain interprets shared feelings in different ways. I'm feeling the "wrongness" of our body the most, Khlo's feeling the old feelings we're all to familiar with when we're in an episode, and Dave (a human, funnily enough) has gone protector-mode & is handling our self care & day-to-day life duties fairly well. While I'm still getting used to this reality, I'm learning to be grateful for what the system brings & how helpful they are in making living life easier. I know we exist as a collective instead of a singularity due to our shared trauma, but that doesn't make our existence any less interesting & sometimes beautiful.
Hm. Writing my feelings down here helped a lot, honestly. I'm feeling more confident than I was even 40ish minutes ago when we began writing this. We should probably do this more often.
Well, if you've read this far, I thank you. You may have too much free time, though. Hope you have a good rest of your day, wherever you are.
Author: Uzi, T, Lee; a bit souped together rn
Date: 06/18/25
Time: 1:32 PM
Mood: tired, happy
phantom limbs are a fascinating phenomenon. we've known a good bit about them for some time due to a close family member of ours being an amputee, and it's always interested us how they've been able to feel things that aren't really there, or have their brain signal pain to an area of the body that no longer exists; all that comes with an amputation, really. once we learned about phantom limbs in an alterhuman context, our own experiences just made sense.
as a child, sometimes we would imagine having a dogs or cats tail, just for the fun of it. it brought us what we now recognize as species euphoria, and it's interesting how vivid it felt even then as an intentional act. it's a little funny to be honest, considering there is exactly 1 (one) cat in the system, but god knows how many canines. anyway.
now, at 23, there are still moments where we can "feel" our tail, paws, claws, ears, and sometimes even a snout (that one has only really happened once though, if we're being honest). it's as if our brain knows something is supposed to be there, so it's sending the gentlest signals that make our tailbone feel... heavier. or to our hands & feet, knowing they should be thicker, sharper.
we know a lot of alterhumans can relate; that's how we found out it can happen to non-amputees in the first place! and honestly, we love it. you'd think having these sensations not align with our body's reality would cause some sort of dysphoria, but honestly, it reminds me i'm not human. sure, sometimes it sucks to have a reminder that i have a human bod instead of a chicken-sized creature of the cretaceous period, but, like, whatever. i feel lucky that i experience these soft, yet still physical sensations of what once was.
Author: blurry
Date: 05/28/25
Time: unknown
Mood: slightly anxious
hello! we finally got around to making a collective blog for our main site. there are so many times where we'll want to write, but we'd feel bad using someone elses blog that's specifically for them, so, ya! here we are.